MFA students at PSU prime suspects.
April 5, 2012
Portland, Ore.—”MFA?” said a confused Portlander. “Why would anyone want to go to school to be an asshole?” He paused, thoughtfully. “Well, I guess if you wanted to be a professional asshole. Need the degree I suppose.”
Other Portlanders were more hopeful. “I am hopeful,” said one named Cameron, “that an artisanal artisan cart will open up so that they can charge at least four bucks per bagel,” Cameron said. “I hate spending less than four bucks on a single bagel. Plus,” he added, “they can start putting unappetizing things on my bagels like Voodoo donuts does, tires, or used condoms.”
“I hate getting bagels and having to put the unappetizing things on them myself,” he continued. “Those used condoms start to smell if I don’t keep them in the refrigerator, and I share my refrigerator with four other dopes who need to keep their vegetables and Tab cold, so I’ll be glad once the artisanal artisans start putting the unappetizing toppings on the bagels for me.”
Others, however, are less hopeful. “I am less hopeful,” said another Cameron. “Undoubtedly, people will hear of this new cart and it will be ruined. Like when everyone started listening to Chromatics because Pitchfork gave their new album ‘best new music.’ Bagels should be underground. I am willing to pay at least eight dollars for a single bagel,” he said. “If you pay fewer than that you don’t showcase your disposable income,” he added, “and white entitlement. Did you know I got my degree from PSU and I am very bitter about that.”
Portland State MFA students have declined to comment on the record, but one, speaking on condition of anonymity, said she was “proud of this righteous act of revolution,” and those left in the city can expect to see more actions similar to this in the future. “Until we have our underground, overpriced bagels back, or a suitable replacement that is even more underground and even more overpriced, we will continue along this same trajectory,” she said. “Our disposable income is not to be ignored.”
”Also,” she added, “I’d like to remind everyone that I was highly displeased with the results from my MFA program, but,” she said, “thankfully it was due to my sour attitude.”
A rep from Kettleman’s responded, “I now have the disposable income with which to purchase many ridiculous bagels and look forward to the day when stale Kettleman’s bagels will be placed on normal bagels, which would make them artisanal artisan bagels.” In the coming weeks, slightly used Kettleman’s bagels are expected to rise in value, according to economics expert Ryan Eichelberger.
”Bagels are a particularly hot item in today’s market,” Eichelberger said. “White people with disposable income are flocking in droves to buy them. Yesterday’s bagel sandwich was a bagel, sliced in half, filled with meat or vegetables. Today’s bagel sandwich is a bagel, sliced in half, filled with a bagel.”
Reluctant Portland resident and former New Yorker Mike Grey had this to say, “West coasters don’t know what a bagel means,” he said while purchasing thirty-six-dozen poppy seed bagels. “I’m going to make a killing with this,” he said. “Do you remember that show Ducktales? With that old duck who had that bin full of money, and it was so full of all of the money that he was able to swim in all of the money? Well, these slightly used bagels will enable me to do that.” Asked what would happen if he couldn’t sell the bagels, Grey responded: “Then I will have a lot of bagels,” he said. “I can swim in those.” He took a bite out of a bagel to make it authentically slightly used. Slightly used bagels need that bite mark to be authenticated by local bagelologists. Right now, according to the Bloomberg index, one slightly used Kettlemans’s poppy seed bagel is worth fifteen dollars.
As of press time, Grey was wrestling with an MFA student outside the remains of the NE Broadway Kettleman’s, smoke rising from the ashes behind them.
By Mollet & Magnes