Hidy-ho Reviewers! Welcome to another gut-busting installment of Magnes’s Mailbag. We bust your gut so much that you’re going to need brain surgery. I asked a doctor about that once, well on my iphone, so I know it’s true. I’ve busted many a gut in my time.
So it seems that Elton is a little late with his saw. I’ve been here rationing out the Combos snacks he left me so I don’t die, but luckily there is plenty of water here in the sewers. I just. Feel. A little. Ugh. Er. Off. So to. Speak. Me. My tummy….
Well, at least there’s no one stuck in the pipe behind me! Behind my behind! So to speak!
Anywho, I thought this might be a good time to introduce you to the rest of the staff here.
Sarah Marshall is the Editor-in-Chief. She is the one who makes all of your literary dreams come true and then squashes them. She is the one who has become death, the destroyer of worlds–not unlike Galactus from the Fantastic Four comic books. She urges you all to write like Nic Cage acts–with wild abandonedmentness. Just make sure you know what you’re doing because Nic Cage is an untamed, Wild at Heart, force of nature who needs a good director to control him. If you have that Trapped in Paradise wild abandonedmentness then you need to make sure you have a director, living in your head (but make sure he’s the only voice there!), to control your own City of Angels.
Michael Magnes is the Managing Editor. His job is to manage the editor. If you ask him a question about his past he will likely mumble something about carved whale bones and mandrake dust. He does not know how to pronounce words so if you can figure out what he’s mumbling you won’t be able to understand him. He’s a bit like that girl from that movie about the piano, Holly Hunter, who made up her own language because she didn’t want to talk to Harvey Keitel because he is a big creep.
Daniel Mollet is the copy editor. He drinks out of Claussen pickle jars. He ONLY drinks out of Claussen pickle jars. He is from South Dakota and enjoys Claussen pickle jars. He once read a novel, but that was only by accident. While not literate, Mollet does possess a wild eyed intelligence that one might associate with a baby seal or dolphin or some other animal that people think is smart. But really Daniel Mollet is a cold blooded killer. He enjoys the music of Tom Waits and Claussen Pickle jars. He will also edit all of your stories so there are delicious, crisp, refreshing Claussen pickle jars in them.
Sam Newson is our poetry editor. Not much is known about Sam other than his name is Sam and he edits poetry. He is probably screaming at our poetry Tumble right now. http://portlandreview.tumblr.com/ He runs it. Into the ground? Haw haw haw.
Magnes, me, is the administrative assistant. I recently got fired for…..an incident. The court cases have been sealed. I am Michael Magnes from Earth-2, probably, and am currently trapped in sewer pipe.
Elton Deacon is the master printer here. He makes the magazine. I don’t want to say too much more about him because he’s got this uncontrollable rage about him. The slightest insult sends him off into a well…have you ever seen the Hulk? Yeah. Elton is a good man. Very good. Please don’t hurt me.
There are other people up there too, but I forgot their names because they probably don’t matter.
Did anyone see the Republican debate last night? I just can’t decide who to vote for! I’m just going to have to vote for all of them!
I’m intrigued by the notion of a corncation and am more than a little concerned that I may have unwittingly spent ages 5-17 on corncation. Is it only a corncation if it happens in Iowa, or are other breadbasket states included as well? Did I waste twelve years of my life without taking advantage of the relaxing properties of such a starchy excursion?
Please respond soon,
Corny And Concerned
A: What the hell are you talking about? Corncation? You can’t just make up words like that. Honestly, I don’t know where my readers come up with this stuff!
Anywhom, email me at the firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line: Magnes! Mail! And all of your questions will be quickly dismissed because I’m dying. In a pipe.