Oh! Hey! It’s another list. The internet loves lists so here’s another one: ALBUMS WE’RE (THE PORTLAND REVIEW STAFF) ARE GLAD WERE NEVER MADE
*DISCLAIMER. NONE OF THESE ALBUMS ARE ACTUALLY REAL. I THINK. BETTER WIKI THAT FOR US THOUGH.
1) Wu-Tang Clan presents: The Hip-Hop Hippie Hippie Shake
-The Wu-Tang clan have pretty much the best rappers in the world in the group and have recorded some ten millions albums altogether. In fact, every rapper from Peter Rock to the Portland Review staff have worked with Wu-Tang members. After their fifth studio album as a group, 8 Diagrams, Ghostface and Raekwon famously grumbled about the RZA’s production that utilized a hole helluva lotta guitar samples. They complained about the RZA’s production (we really like typing “the RZA”) being too “Hip-hop hippie” with the production. We mean he sampled a Beatles song for god’s sake (We don’t capitalize God here are the Revi…aw….goddammit). Yeah. We don’t know who they are either. We guess a band named after the car? This can all probably be blamed on Jim Jarmusch for getting RZA to produce the soundtrack for Ghost Dog and then burning him a copy of Marquee Moon as an example of the sound he wanted.
(What was I holding?)
So RZA came right back at them and used a bunch of jam band samples to produce a new album with vocal out-takes from the 8 Diagrams sessions. The result was twelve eight minutes tracks that has been scientifically proven to make people fall asleep in anger. Twelve died, in a case study printed in the Journal of Medicine of Music of the United State. In fact, the end result was so bad RZA himself has blackmailed everyone else in the Wu-tang clan to record another album with him or he’ll release The Hip-Hop Hippie Hippie Shake. Let me put it this way: Trey Anastasio played the vacuum cleaner on every track. And if you look at Trey he doesn’t know that a vacuum cleaner is used for cleaning, despite cleaner being on the box. Probably. Man. Hippies are dumb.
2) Songs in the Key of Scarlett: Tom Waits Sings the Songs of Scarlett Johansson
Tom Waits is often confused. One day, while rummaging around in a pile of dirt, Tom came across the cover album Scarlett made, as well as that dumb album with Pete Yorn she made. Tom was so impressed that he covered songs that Scarlett sang on both of those albums. It’s not really his fault though, do you think he remembers what the hell the words to “Falling Down” were, let alone writing it? Can you? (We bet you’re sitting there making the joke “Tom had to record the album. He waits for no man.” Dick.) Tom’s written twenty million songs and has junkyards to visit. And cigarettes to dislodge from his throat. Tom thought Scarlett Johansson was a pop singer from Johannesburg. I guess he can do whatever he wants even something terrible, but the album led to the first Tom Waits/David Bowie collaboration so all was not lost.
(YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD! STEP OUT OF MY DREAMS! AND INTO MY CAR!)
And speaking of Legends:
3) Legends: The Legendary Pink Dots Sing Songs with Legend/s in the Title
This one is pretty self explanatory, we guess. The Legendary Pink Dots are a legendary (haw haw haw) post-punk band that have made some forty million albums and I defy you to differentiate them. They are a great band (they are legendary after all) it’s just hard to describe an experimental band, who combines pretty much any kind of music imaginable (except rap!) and have had over three million members! The band formed after they bathed in glue and rolled around in a pile of pink dots that then stuck to their persons after, or something.
(Wait a minute! Not all of those are pink! LIIEEEEESSSS.)
Somewhere around 1997, lead singer Edward Ka-Spel (Magica De Spell’s cousin) went off the deep end and decided to record an album with himself on keyboards, and nothing else, singing songs with legend in the title. Just imagine. The Legends of the Fall theme. The Legend of Bagger Vance theme. Legends of the Hidden Temple them. Legend of Zelda theme. These songs don’t even have lyrics! He just sort of hums and goes “de de do” over random keyboard sounds. Read the review on Allmusic. It got a 4/5. It’s a pretty good album. HIRE US ALLMUSIC!
4) What is in Your Pills? Ted Leo Dispenses Pharmaceutical Advice
Well no good can come from this. Ted Leo is a famous indie rock musician (wait, what does that mean? Famous indie rock? Like the rocks on Rushmore?) and his band is called the Pharmacists, so in a delicous twist of fate his albums are attributed to TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS. OR TED LEO AMPERSAND PHARMACISTS. He tried to release a spoken word album in 2005. When word first hit, the internet went abuzz (they couldn’t go aTwitter yet!) that Ted would be releasing a political ranty album ala Jello Biafra and ambient musician Henry Rollins. You see, under the Bush administration, you pinko commies wanted to take down the Bush Administration but lacked the gumption, so you turned to your aging punk musicians. Ted tried to hop on that train but he doesn’t like to get political. So he figured that since his band is called The Pharmacists (and he is with them) that he could dispense pharmaceutical advice.
(Who stole all the Xanax? Ms. Falco!)
What followed was a perplexing oddity, bordering on those old celebrity vanity albums, where Ted tells you what not to mix with Propecia (Advil. It kills. According to Ted). Fearing lawsuits, his band urged Ted to not put the album out citing the fact that they didn’t want to kill people. Not even the drummer! Drummers are the crazy ones! Just google Ted Leo’s drummer! Ted wouldn’t relent so the band beat the shit out of him, putting Ted into a coma. Eventually Ted got better but he had amnesia. The band never got around to mentioning what he had recored, so if you see Ted please don’t mention it to him. It could…. upset him….
5) A Very Nixon Christmas: Nixon Sings His Favorite Christmas Songs
Well! Speaking of celebrity vanity projects… oh … man….
After leaving office in disgrace, Nixon went back to his first love: singing! Little known Nixon fact #448: as a child he won the national Richard Nixon Singing Contest, officiated by his mother when he was five. So he got Phil Spector to produce this at least until Phil left after Richard pulled a gun on him. He did not care for the wall of sound. Frank Zappa came in and took over and they both bonded over their love of Doo Wop. Things got even stranger when this hit number one on all of the charts for seventeen years. In a row. On the eighteenth year everyone burned their copy of the album, pictures of Nixon, and Zappa’s terrible guitar albums so everyone forgot. This is a prime example of cultural amnesia. We mean, if you ask anyone about this they’ll just give you blank looks but we swear this came out. We saved our copies. We have it. We’re going to upload some… oh… nooo…..ooooowww….
6) Steve Perry Sings Songs From the Time He Bought a T-Shirt in Urban Outfitters
Steve Perry sings all of your favorites! Songs from Interpol, the Strokes, Arcade Fire, and other boring bands!
(What? You idiots bought it.)
Steve wanted to capitalize on the Indie Rock boom, of boring bands, from the first half of last century. Or decade. Or whatever it was. So he picked a bunch of songs and sort of sang through them. Sort of. He warbled. It sold twenty million copies, but the real coup was that Steve discovered the Arcade Fire. While on an expedition, trying to bring hand soap to Canada, he discovered the world’s most boring band playing in a garage. The band was so boring Steve brought them to America to exact his revenge on the other members of Journey for kicking him out. Little did he know the consequences of his actions.
7) An Evening with Kevin Smith: The Audio Version
Kevin Smith, scourge of Southwest Airlines, has been making moving picture for most of his life much to the chagrin of people everywhere. Over the last, who knows how many, decades he’s had his act on the road offering people an Evening with Kevin Smith where he talks about whatever made him giggle when he realized he charged forty bucks for you to listen to him in person. Now, when you hear the words “An Evening With” Kevin Smith is probably the last name that comes to mind. We mean, you probably think of “An Evening With… oh I don’t know let’s say David Sedaris.” The point is that the evening is usually with some person who represents some kind of culture–an Evening with Glenn Gould–and not this guy:
(Imagine waking up next to that.)
So Kevin’s “Evening withs” got to be so popular he was going to release an audio version of an evening in his hometown of XXXXXXXX (name has been removed to protect the good, kindly people of New Jersey who get enough garbage hurled their way). These evenings were marathons, or rather endurance tests, but for some reason his fans loved it (probably because well…. we don’t know to say it). The audio turned out to unusable as it was simply Kevin smoking a bowl, and who really needs to hear what a bong sounds like for four hours? After that he proceeded to eat a stick of butter. Kevin would occasionally smack his lips, in typical grotesque Smith fashion, that sounded like two giant slabs of wet sponges rubbing against each other while someone was scratching his fingernails against a chalkboard. (Or just a fat guy being fat and disgusting) That awful sloshing sound will haunt you until the end of you days until it finally overwhelms you, forcing you to take a dull and rusty blade to your arm when you will carefully sink the blade into your flesh. You’ll move the blade down, slowly at first, and then faster and faster as the blood begins to eek out of your flesh, which will look as if it were made out of paper. You will wonder how humanity could be so kind, cruel, smart, dumb, profane, all in one single instant. The galactic swirls of the universe will swim throughout your mind, eddying out from the vast inky depth of cosmic knowledge. Finally, you will die with a look of peace and it will feel like peace but at just the last second you will realize that everything has been a sham, and Kevin, in all of his disingenuous glory, will be laughing. And probably farting. The evening went go like this:
So, as you can see…
(Pause. Smack. Smack.)
Mmm. This is good butter.
I made Cop Out for my fans…
And not the critics.
Bullshit. He made Cop Out for no one. Except maybe the butter. *Note. The copy the Review obtain was covered in goo.
We have to go now. Someone uploaded hidden camera footage of Morrissey eating veal. It’s really funny. He pretends to torture it before eating it. WE SMELL A NEW ALBUM!
-Yer Ever Lovin’ Staff